"My wife and I are active believing members of the Church & parents of two. We both have good jobs and work hard to take care of our family and church responsiblities. My wife and I have sex about once a month--sometimes less. We are happy and love each other . . . but I would like more frequent sex and my wife does not--she would probably initiate 4 times/ year if it were up to her. We have been married for over 10 years. We used to have intimate time a couple times/week, mostly due to my persistance (and 2/3 of these interactions were quickies and handjobs). We reached an agreement a few yrs ago when I promised to stop bugging her all the time if we could have good sex monthly and I would masturbate with her present and no porn as needed. I do half the houusework, etc and am generous and able in my attention to her. I have read Laura Brotherson, Coach Sam, and much of the other stuff you have cited here. What do you think of this type of arrangement? I don't want some partisan to "tell my wife to do more" or to condemn me. But I wonder how many couples find themselves in similar conundrums and what you think. Thanks."
Kim Goodrich - November 3, 2012 9:25 AM
I don't know your whole story, but I would like to give you the best advice I can. From what you are telling me it sounds like your wife has some healing to do. Perhaps she was hurt in some way before you married her, or perhaps she was emotionally damaged, but whatever it was, it sounds pretty clear she has not healed from it yet. It is also very possible she doesn't see that there is a problem at all. If she is to heal, she must first know and accept that there is something wrong. Has she read Laura Brotherson too? If she hasn't, it is a great guide for women who struggle with sex.
Another thing you can do is make sure she understands that you want more sex for Her, not for you. She needs to know that you want her to enjoy it, you want her to want it and you are willing to work with her, however slow a process it may be, to get her to that point. Make this as much an unselfish a thing as possible. Make it Entirely about making her feel good.
Most of all, be supportive. If she is willing to work towards healing and towards making sex a more enjoyable experience for herself and you, then make sure she knows you are there for her. For example (not saying this is what happened, just an example) if she was molested before she met you, allow her to talk to you about it. Don't get upset and tell her how angry what happened to her makes you, just comfort her and help her to know it wasn't her fault. This goes for whatever it is she needs to heal from. Be supportive, and comfort her, helping her to know she has done nothing wrong. Help her to heal and help her to forgive herself.
Sex in a marriage is an incredible thing. It is the closest we can come to having a Celestial marriage as it is a Celestial act. Treat it that way and help her see it that way too. It should be something that brings you closer together, not pull you apart.
I hope even some of my advice will be helpful to you. Thank you for your question.