Alright, so through discussion with a few close friends it was brought to my attention that I was spending all of my time focusing on sexual intimacy in marriage and not hardly at all on how to handle the next generation. I admit, it only made sense for me to do this as I am currently in the "dealing with my own issues" stage and my son is only 3 months old. After talking to them though, I realized how very important talking to your kids is and how desperately people are looking for an answer on what to do and how to do it.
I started by looking at what I already had. From Mackelprang we are told,
I started by looking at what I already had. From Mackelprang we are told,
"Infant exploration of the genitals is as common and natural as are other attempts to explore the environment. Unfortunately, some of the earliest negative messages about sexuality come from parents who, upon seeing this natural exploration, may react adversely and sometimes even punitively. As children grow, they encounter other similar messages. Boys and girls are taught to not touch themselves and are sometimes told that their genitals are undesirable or 'nasty.' This may be especially true for girls who, unlike boys, have no 'legitimate' reason to regularly touch or view their genitalia. Girls may grow to womanhood without learning what their genitals look like or even the proper names of their sexual organs.
...The attitudes of parents and other adults help create either a positive sexual perspective or confusion and disproportionate feelings of guilt. When adults do not balance messages about the pitfalls of immorality with reinforcement or the special nature of sexuality, adolescents (and adults) who 'fall' my believe that 'all is lost,' an attitude that often leads to increased promiscuity among those who prematurely engage in sexual activity (Christensen 1976).
Parents have a responsibility to teach their adolescent children not only about morality and the implications of sexual expression, but also about the physical processes their bodies are undergoing as they mature. Those who do so conscientiously will reap great benefits for their efforts. Teaching proper sexual terminology in toddlerhood and progressing to comprehensive sexual discussions in adolescence will promote greater awareness and help circumvent future problems. Parents and Church leaders should present information and counsel in frank, positive ways rather than in negative and moralistic terms
...Discomfort with sexuality is manifest in the numerous euphemisms we use to refer to sexual anatomy. We wouldn’t think of using slang to refer to an arm or leg, but sexual slang could fill volumes. Parents who have difficulty using words such as 'penis' or 'vagina' convey their discomfort to their children, who quickly learn to avoid using accurate sexual terminology. When parents are embarrassed by their children’s questions about sex and reproduction, they teach their children to be likewise embarrassed. When parents neglect to discuss sexuality with their children, they almost ensure that their children’s education will be inaccurate and inappropriate.
...Some parents teach children that sex is dirty and undesirable. People from families where such attitudes are overtly taught or, more often, unwittingly conveyed may come to view sex as base and vulgar. I find this attitude most often in women who were taught as girls that sex is a responsibility and a duty to be borne solely for the satisfaction of their spouses or the begetting of children. The idea of sex for personal and mutual gratification is a totally foreign concept to them.
...Although there is no evidence that accurate sexual knowledge promotes premature sexual activity, it is clear that the lack of knowledge leads to sexual ignorance and problems. The 1989 General Handbook of Instructions for Church leaders is clear on the subject of sex education.
Parents have primary responsibility for the sex education of their children. Teaching this subject honestly and plainly in the home greatly improves the chance that young people will avoid serious problems. To help parents teach this sensitive and critical information, the Church has published 'A Parent’s Guide.' When schools have undertaken sex education, it is appropriate for parents to seek to ensure that the instructions given their children are consistent with sound moral and ethical values. (1989, 11-5)
Sex education, then, is the responsibility of parents, first to provide information, and second, to monitor and supplement information children receive from others. ...In 1985... the Church published A Parent’s Guide, a booklet that includes some open and frank discussions of sex and sexuality designed for parents of children ranging in the age from infancy to young adulthood. To date, it is the best effort by the Church to deal with the broad range of sexual issues confronting its members. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those members are unaware of its existence."
From his words we can take a lot of things. First, never ever be negative about sex or about your children's own body parts. This will only instill a negativity in their minds that can be so difficult to cure. For those of us with issues, we're prime examples. Second, never freak out at your toddler if they start exploring their own body. This is very natural, just like when they discover their ears or their elbows. Also, never ever be embarrassed/shy with your children when you talk about their body or about sex. This will only lead to them mirroring your feelings and thinking that sex must be a bad thing or else people wouldn't be so embarrassed about it. Mackelprang gives us a lot of "don't"s but the only "do"s he gives us are to teach our children and be positive. He gives very little detail on "How" to go about doing this.
The second place I went looking was the book "And They Were Not Ashamed." It teaches,
The second place I went looking was the book "And They Were Not Ashamed." It teaches,
"Dr. James Dobson, Christian leader and president of Focus on the Family, identified the problems associated with the Good Girl Syndrome:
Adult attitudes toward sexual relations are largely conditioned during childhood and adolescence. It is surprising to observe how many otherwise well-adjusted people still think of married sex as dirty, animalistic, or evil. Such a person who has been taught a one-sided, negative approach to sex during the formative years may find it impossible to release these carefully construct[ed] inhibitions on the wedding night. The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one's attitude from 'Thou shalt not' to 'Thou shalt - regularly and with great passion!' That mental turnabout is not easily achieved."
...Michele Wiener Davis acknowledged the negative sexual conditioning of children in her book The Sex-Starved Marriage: Children are like sponges, absorbing and believing much of what adults tell them about the world. If you were taught that sex is bad or dirty or that you're a bad person for thinking about sex, chances are that these ideas have become a part of you. Many adults have to unlearn their childhood lessons in order to relax and truly enjoy themselves.
...The negative conditioning may begin when young children begin to explore and discover their bodies. Parents' strong reactions can cause feelings of shame and guilt, creating the impression that the body is bad or dirty, or that behavior involving certain body parts is sinful. In A Parent's Guide, published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, parents are counseled to be aware of their reactions to their children's sex-related learning and exploration. The Church counseled, 'Male and female children will naturally discover and explore their genitals just as they do the rest of their bodies. ...Your reaction to these natural explorations will influence the way a child later feels about his procreative powers. ...Remain neutral, and the child will accept that these parts of his body are good, just as all the other parts are.' Shaming can lead a child to think she is fundamentally bad. Young children readily internalize shame. Dr. John Gray shed some light on the unforeseen shame children may accumulate regarding their bodies and themselves, 'Young children, up to nine years old, are not capable of dealing with shaming messages without assuming too much blame. Any kind of punishment, disapproval, or emotional upset in reaction to your child's mistakes ultimately gives a shaming message. ...Before the age of nine, a child cannot discern the difference between I did something bad and I am bad.' In an effort to encourage premarital chastity, parents may send condemning messages about the body and its sexual functions. Instead of teaching that the body -all of it- as well as sexual relations in marriage, are good gifts from God, parents send messages like, 'You shouldn't touch your body,' 'Your body is dirty,' or 'Sex is bad/sinful.' When parents focus only on premarital chastity and forget about preparing children for the joys of sexual fulfillment in marriage, their message is skewed to the negative with mostly warnings and consequences rather than filled with the blessings and godly purposes of sex. The challenge parents face is to communicate love to the child while discouraging certain behaviors. ...Parents without their own understanding and personal conviction of the sanctity of sex may unintentionally send negative messages about sex - even sex within marriage. ...Parents who do not affirm sex as important, fun and vital to a happy, satisfying marriage do their children a disservice. Even seemingly unimportant, passing comments can have profound effects on children. ...Daughters aren't the only ones to absorb a mother's negative attitudes. Sons, too, may learn that it is normal for a wife to dislike sex. Thus, they may not recognize that their wife's attitude needs to be addressed. Parents also contribute to the Good Girl Syndrome when they do not, or will not, talk about sex at all. ...Many parents provide little or no sexual education to their children and some well-intentioned parents make matters worse. Parents who do teach about sex, but without preparation or a personal conviction of the sacredness of sex, may be uncomfortable with the subject and cause negative feelings and memories for their children. ...Children may hear the right words, 'Sex is sacred. It is beautiful. It is a wonderful experience.' However, if the words are spoken without personal conviction and a spirit of reverence, they are meaningless. Children are very perceptive; the right words won't hide parents' negative feelings. ...Parents need to become aware of their own sexual inhibitions, negative feelings and beliefs, and strive to overcome them, so that they can be more effective in teaching their children about sex. ...When teaching chastity or sexual abstinence the message is often, 'Good girls don't.' This is true prior to marriage. However, the message should also be, that, once married, GOOD GIRLS DO!"
Alright, so now we have all the things not to do and what the consequences will be if we do the wrong thing. It's time to turn to the "do"s and the "how"s.